Hannah Holmes Shows us how perfectionism can draw us to insanity if we don't let The Lord come and take our worries.
Somewhere, deep in my childhood, I formed this idea, this little false religion of perfection. Long before I can remember I decided I could, and would, get it all together and do it all by myself. I would have straight A’s. I would be the best behaved kid in my family. People would love me and respect me and I would have lots of friends. I would have a successful career. I slowly built, brick by brick, a standard, an image of the life that I would lead. Needless to say, my foundation was anywhere but where it should be.
And it didn’t take long for the flaws in my carefully constructed building to show up. Every grade that was a little less than I expected, every fight with my family or friends, every failure, big or small, was pure agony, like touching a hot stove. Every little detail in my life became something to worry about it. I learned that trying to control everything is a full time job. And it got harder and harder, going from middle school to high school, from high school to college. By the end of my freshmen year of college, my perfectionism was threatening to crush me.
That was the pinnacle of a realization that I think had been coming on slowly for years. The realization of what I was spending all my time and energy building. It was no grand palace where I could live, not even a sturdy dependable home- it was more like a wall. With every relationship I tried to control, every impressive group I got involved in, every test I killed myself over, I stacked up another brick between me and God. I even used ministry in building the wall. Just add that to the list of things I need to do, to be “good enough.” To be worth it. But at the end of the day I wasn’t sure what I was worth at all.
Perfectionism was the perfect lie, that I could do it on my own, that I could ever be “good enough.” I knew that was wrong, but it was somehow louder than all the truths I had ever heard about grace in my entire life. But in the end grace was all that could have broken down the wall. The craziest thing is to look back and to see that as I was carefully laying down bricks, God was chipping away at my self- made prison. And though the breaking down of the wall has been a long, continual process, I’m pretty sure it all started with me sobbing on my dorm room floor. In my spiritual journey away from a place of control to a place of being surrendered, the most powerful moments have been those where I am completely broken and aware of my desperation. Those are the moments when I can hear the loudest what I know Jesus has been whispering to me all along. “I love you.”
I am still struggling to understand this love. I firmly believe that the knowledge of it is the only antidote to our culture's disease of perfection. The truth of Jesus’ love is the only thing strong enough to drown out the lies we hear about needing the perfect grades, perfect body, perfect job, perfect family, perfect boy or girlfriend… because the truth of His love is that no matter how far you sink you’re not going to go below it. No matter how hard you run you’re not going to come outside of it. And no matter how high you go you’re never going to touch the top of it. It’s endless, incomparable, and it’s nothing we could ever pay back, nothing we could ever deserve. Knowing that, grasping that, even in the tiniest little bit, has been the key to breaking down my wall of perfection. It was the only thing that could convince me to surrender. And while in the struggle against perfectionism I’m not, well, perfect, it’s the only thing that convinces me to keep pursuing Jesus in all my weakness, because that’s the way He loves me.
When I started to understand Jesus’ love, it completely changed the way I looked at life and ministry. That’s the thing about His love; it doesn’t make you perfect but it changes your outlook. The very desires and motivations of your heart begin to look more like His when you let his love sweep over you. I could hear Him whispering in my ear, “I love you. Come with Me, I have something amazing I want to show you. I want to use you to bring My kingdom. Will you come with Me?” Suddenly ministry went from being a duty to being an adventure. Will you answer His call to adventure in your life today? Will you leave all your imperfections, your worries, your need for control behind and walk with Him, run with Him?
Hannah Holmes
Hannah is a leader at The University Of Tampa where she leads freshmen to christ and teaches them how to be leaders on the campus. Her natural instincts to love and listen brings Jesus's character to the campus in multiple ways.
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